Ask Auntie Carlisle
by Jasper-and-Carlisle
Summary: Carlisle answers questions! 'Tis fabby. T for some language. Beware of Bella bashing, OOCness, and pro-Jacob!
1. Renting Anastasia

Disclaimer: I own "Anastasia". And "Twilight." Wait... NO I DON'T!! xD

* * *

Dear Carlisle, 

I love Jasper. Hook me up with him. Kthxbai.

--Loveless in PA

Dear Loveless,

Sorry. No can do.

He's mine, bitch.

--Carlisle

**Back at the Cullen Residence…**

-insert thing from Wayne's World here-

I walked out of my study last Friday, on a mission: to find Jasper. I had urgent news to tell him. Seriously, guys, this was URGENT. I found him in the kitchen, looking at an apple. Why, I don't know. He can't eat apples. Silly Jasper.

"Jasper…" I began, "I think I love you."

Jasper tilted his head to the left, putting down the Jazz apple that we got for that little skank of Edward's. "Question mark…?"

"Yes. Because Carol told me that we're gay lovers."

"Since when?"  
"Yesterday."

"Oh. Okay."

"I'm glad you took it so well." I was genuinely pleased. I had never had a gay lover before. The only other gay lovers I had seen were Collins and Angel from _RENT_. They had seemed so happy. You'd think that in all my 600-so years, I'd seen more, huh?

Nope. You're wrong.

An awkward silence ensued.

"So, Carlisle," Jasper seemed bored, "what now?"

"Hm. Let's frolic about, holding each others' hands, singing "I'll Cover You" from _RENT_. Then we can go rent _Anastasia_. Why don't we have that movie?"

"Beats me. But it sounds like a plan. Off we go!"

We started to frolic, but then, as we were just about to leave the kitchen, Jasper suddenly stopped…

"CARLISLE, wait!"

"Yes?"

"I believe that… That… I'm still…"

"Still what, Jasper?"

"…heterosexual…" he said in a small voice. I could barely hear it!

"Oh. Yeah. Me too." I shrugged, while we let go of the other's hand. We then continued, walking now, to my car, off to rent _Anastasia_. We watched it with the family plus the skank of Edward's that night, and had much fun, because they were singing.

Of course.

**

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A/N: **Sorry this is so crappy. But it is. Don't yell. 


	2. 100Percent Juice Juicy Juice Apple Juice

Disclaimer: Don't own what is not mine.

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Dear Carlisle, 

My mum stole my apple juice!

I need to acquire some soon. Can you help?

--Apples are not Grapes

Dear Apples,

Nope. Not really.

I haven't had to deal with that problem in a loooooong time.

But, there was that one time…

**Back at the Cullen residence…**

One Saturday a few weeks ago, I was "chilling" in my study. Answering some advice questions, reading medical journals, you know. The usual. Then I heard a scream.

"EMMETT! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY APPLE JUICE?!?!?!"

Ugh. It was that skank again. Can't she just stay at her own house for one weekend? No. Of course not. I've even asked Edward to stay at her house with her. I need some quiet time occasionally. Sure, fat chance it was going to be quiet around here, but I can wish.

"Apple juice?" Emmett asked with a suspicious tone. "Is that the wet stuff that comes out of those red things named after Jazz?

"EMMETT!! You know what an apple is!" said the skank.

I decided that it would be pretty funny to go watch this argument, because it's always fun to watch Emmett pull a prank on Bella. So, I headed downstairs. But with vamp-speed, so I didn't miss anything.

I got downstairs, and decided to look for this missing apple juice, but first try to knock some sense into le skank. Key word: try.

"Bella, how do you know it was Emmett?"

"IT'S _ALWAYS_ EMMETT, CARLISLE!!"

"No, it was Jasper that one time, remember? He took your lemonade. Then tried to drink it. He's silly."

"JASPER?! DID YOU TAKE MY APPLE JUICE?!? I _NEED_ THAT APPLE JUICE!" Bella must've gone mad. Well, become madder.

"Bella, dear," I began, without gagging on the words, "why do you _need_ that apple juice? Can't you just go get another bottle?"

"NO!"

"I'm right here; no need to yell." I went over to our former prop of a refrigerator. I opened the door, and guess what was right in the front, one of the only things in there? A bottle of apple juice, right next to a bottle of grape juice. "Bella, your apple juice is right here."

She sighed, obviously trying to calm down, because she _knew_ that I could hear her without yelling. "No, Carlisle, that is _not_ apple juice. Not at all. Nothing close to my 100 Juice Juicy Juice Apple Juice."

I heard Jasper giggle. Wait… Jasper? Giggle? Question mark?

Oh gosh.

"Bella, just taste it." I reasoned with her.

"I did."

"The bottle's not empty at all, Bella." Does she really think that I'm such an idiot?! Yes. She does.

"Okay. Fine. I'll taste it."

I opened the bottle and poured her a cup. Then I smelled it. She _was_ right. It _wasn't_ her 100 Juice Juicy Juice Apple Juice. It was her 100 Juice Juicy Juice White Grape Juice, whose bottle, also opened but completely full, sat next to the 100 Juice Juicy Juice Apple Juice in the fridge. But, really, does it matter? No. And what eighteen-year-old drinks Juicy Juice? Isabella Marie Swan.

"Bella, this is indeed your 100 Juice Juicy Juice Apple Juice," I lied. Excuse me. It's fun to pull a prank once in a while. Emmett shot me a surprised look over Bella's head, and I shrugged, while Bella took a sip.

"No, this is still not apple juice."

"Bella, you're just going to have to live, for the rest of your human life, with the fact that your taste buds are unbelievably DUMB!" Emmett told Bella. Her face bore a look of unbelievable shock. This idiot believed him!

I looked over to Jasper, who looked like he was about to die from laughter, if he could, and we both left the room and laughed hard enough that we would've cried had we been human. Then Alice shot through the room, running to the kitchen. Oh, crap.

"BELLA, THAT'S YOUR GR—" Emmett clapped his hand over Alice's mouth, and that was the end of that. I was proud of Emmett; it was a great prank. Since then, though, Bella has thought that she was "apple blind." Like "colour blind," you know? No apples for her. Dumb skank.

**Back to the letter…**

Anyways, Apples, next time your mum steals your apple juice, check in the grape juice bottle.

--Carlisle


	3. Rubber Cement

DEAR CARLISLE,

OHEMGEE CARLIZZLE!1! i NEEDSZ SUM MAJURR HELP! MA BFF DID LYKE, TEH WORST TIHNG LYKE, EVAA!!1 SHE RUBBA CEMENTEDED MA 2 FINGAHS 2GETHR AND NOW i CANT MOVE TEHM!1! WUT DO i DO?!1!!??!1?/!1?

--1 FINGAH 2 FINGAHS

Dear Fingah,

Well… as a doctor, I would say that this is a serious problem. The rubber cementing that is causing your fingers to be together better be Elmer's Non-Wrinkle kind, for that is the easiest problem to fix if you know what you're doing. Since your fingers are not wrinkled, it is easy to go call on a family member or friend to easily pull the two fingers apart, so that they can be separate once more. I hope that helps…

That reminds me of one special time…

**BACK AT THE CULLEN RESIDENCE…**

Alice and Rosalie had just come back from a huge shopping excursion at Office Max. They had to do a project of some sort, so they needed to get all the proper craft materials. Duh. Anyway, Alice came bursting into my office covered in this yellowish-white sticky stuff and screaming frantically, asking for my help.

"I HAS RUBBER CEMENT ON MEH!!" she hollered.

"Oh. Hello, Alice," I replied, not daring to look up from the book that I was currently reading, Curious George. Man, I love that amazing novel…

"CARLISLE!!!" she yelled again. I decided to look this time.

Yes, there was indeed rubber cement on this pint-sized puppiseed.

Rosalie walked into the room casually to see what Alice was screaming about.

"You have rubber cement on you," Rosalie announced.

"NO SHIT!!" Alice flailed her arms at her sides and bounced. Rosalie and I moved our heads up and down like a retarded cat watching his owner throw an imaginary ball.

We could hear Bella screaming at Esme and Edward downstairs. All three of us gave each other a knowing look.

"I have an idea on how to clean up…" I pondered aloud super super sneakily. I told Alice and Rosalie my idea. Rosalie quickly agreed, but it took some convincing on Alice to finally get her to do it. The two girls marched into the bathroom.

Quite some time later, Edward's skank burst into my study, waving her arms about while grunting and dancing like person who found out that they got 3rd clarinet instead of 1st.

"MMM-LIE-EL!!" it groaned.

"Yes," I managed, trying to suppress a smirk.

"MM-LICE AND MM-SALIE PUT MMMMBER MMMENT ON MEH!!"

I set down Curious George and took a look at the girl who was well-known (or so I thought) for being a child prostitute in her hometown of Phoenix, AZ.

"Oh. My. Frikkin. God," I mouthed.

Its mouth had several coatings of the same yellowish-white substance that had been on Alice earlier. Rubber cement.

It started crying, and I tried to feel remorse for her, but I just couldn't. I had a feeling Edward would be up here any moment to smack me silly. Shiznit…

"CARLISLE CULLEN! YOU DE-CEMENT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE THIS INSTANT!!" Edward strode into my study angrily. He attempted to comfort Bella.

"Le sigh," I sighed, going to find Alice and Rosalie.

As I left the room, I could hear Bella's muffled voice attempting to say "I'M GONNA BE LIKE THIS FOREVER! LIKE _FAME_!"

Edward laughed, "Yes, but I am more like _Fame_ 'cause I'm gonna live forever!"

Bella started to cry again, and that is when I scampered away to find my two girls.

When I opened the door to Alice's room, she was there with Rosalie and Jasper on the floor playing 'Apples to Apples'. They were all in a mad fit of laughter.

"Hello…?" I asked standing in the doorway.

"Hi," the three of them said in unison.

"What's so funny?" I smiled, inching closer to them.

Jasper was the first to calm down, and out of habit brushed imaginary tears from his eyes, "The word to describe was 'Earthy'. And Alice put down 'Michelle Pfeiffer'. It was Rosalie's turn to judge and she held up Alice's card and said 'Mitchell… Pehfiffer?'. Alice and I started laughing uncontrollably and Rosalie finally realized that it was Michelle Pfeiffer and she started laughing. And then we were all laughing and it was funny."

"Very funny!" exclaimed Alice and Rosalie at the same time.

"Uh-huh…" I nodded slowly, "Anyway, can I see the bottle of rubber cement that you and Rosalie bought, Alice?"

Alice nodded and got up from the card game to search for her craft supplies. She rummaged through a bag and pulled out the aforementioned bottle. I took it from her, hoping that it was permanent rubber cement, even thought that pretty much defeats the purpose, but what the hell, and held it up to my face.

Great. It was the Non-Wrinkle kind. To my dismay, Bella was saved.

I threw the bottle down on the carpeted floor and trudged to bathroom to get a towel for Edward's skank.

I flung the doors open to my study, where Bella was mumbling something about wombats and some guy named Mike Newton. I tossed the wet towel to her and explained that it would all be better as soon as she gets the stuff off her face. Edward thanked me. Curious George and I left the room together to go to the family room and watch "Scrubs".

**Back to the letter…**

So… there's one of my encounters with rubber cement. I really wished that it was the wrinkle kind, so it would be harder to get off Bella. But, alas, this was not so. Le sigh.

--

Carlisle


	4. Nicholas Carleeslay Nickleby

A/N: Wow, three whole reviews. Impressive. Seeing how we've had way over 100 hits…

COME ON, GUYS, REVIEW!! ITS OK!!

Read Robyn-Enjolras stories. Cause she is the Carlisle part of the name. Yeah.

This chapter goes out to BellaSwan-twilight books. 'Cause she gave us the idea for the question for this chapter. HUZZAH!!

This also goes out to Rachel, Jennie, and Leah. It took a long talk and two community theatre productions to finally get them to say Carlisle right.

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Dear Carlisle,  
How do you pronounce your name? is it Carl-isle? car-weasle? or something  
else? maybe Carl-sly? my friends and I would like to know.

--Miss Mispronunciation

Dear Miss,

Ah… you have no idea how much I am asked this question… -le sigh-

It's Car-lyle. Like Car as in car. Lisle as in isle (like Gilligan's) with an 'l' before it. Carlisle. Say it. Good.

Ah, there was this one time, though not at band camp…

**Back at the Cullen residence…**

To celebrate my day off, Esme and I watched 'Titanic'. She was crying on my shoulder and was screaming about how old Rose was and how much of a wiener J. Bruce Ismay is. During this, the phone rang and I had to softly ask my wife to get off me and pick up the receiver.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Is this… Carrrrr…lllleeeslay?"

I frowned, "Who?"

"Carleeslay. Doctor Carleeslay Cullen."

"There is a Doctor Carlisle Cullen. No Carleeslay. Good day," I smacked down the phone.

Esme looked at me surprised, "What's with the attitude, dear?"

"No one can pronounce my name."

"They usually can't say mine, either," she rested her head on my shoulder.

"…Someone called me Nicholas Nickleby today," I retorted.

Esme was stunned, "Oh…"

"'zactly," I folded my arms across my chest.

Edward and his skank ran down the stairs.

"LAWL! Someone called you Nicholas Nickleby?!" exclaimed the skank between giggles.

"Yes. They did. What do you have to say about that?"

Edward's bottom lip wobbled, "…Smike…" he whispered and cried imaginary tears. Bella took him elsewhere in an attempt to comfort him.

The phone rang again.

"Hello? I answered.

"Doctor Cullen?"

"Yes. Speaking?"

"Oh thank goodness, you answered, Carleeslay! One of your patients had a terrib—"

I slammed down the phone again, standing up, "THAT'S IT! I am going straight to that meepin' hospital and give those people a piece of my mind!"

"Goodbye, Dr. Nickleby," Esme smiled.

I playfully narrowed my eyes at her, grabbed my keys and coat, and stormed out the door.

* * *

At my department in the hospital , they were having a some board meeting or other. I flung the doors open dramatically, standing at the entrance.

"Dr. Cullen," nodded the man at the head if the table.

I habitually took a deep breath, "My name is Carlisle. That is how it is pronounced. Carlisle. Not Carleeslay. Not Car-leezl. Not Car-weasle. And _especially not _Nicholas Nickleby. I wanted all of you to know that."

All of the doctors looked at me, not daring to pose a question to my statement.

"Is that clear?" I asked.

"Crystal," they all replied in unison.

I turned around in an about-face and exited the room. I was about a foot away from the exit when this little girl, she could not have been more than 13, tugged on my jacket sleeve.

"Nicholas Nickleby?" she inquired innocently.

I yanked my arm away, irritated, "NO!"

She stood there in shock, and I triumphantly left the hospital.

When I came home, Bella, Esme, and Edward were gathered around the TV, intensely involved in an episode of "Will & Grace".

"Oh em gee! I love Jack!" shrieked Esme.

"I know! I wish Jacob was more like that!" said the Skank, "I really want a gay best friend..."

Edward was curled up in a fetal position on the opposite side of the sofa, "Smike…"

I smiled at my family, oh, and Edward's whore, and went upstairs to give Curious George a break, and read more about this Nickleby fellow… again.

**Back to the letter…**

Now you know how to pronounce my name! And now you also know that I am not Nicholas Nickleby. Huzzah!

--  
Carlisle

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A/N: Yeah… I know that this was not the best… but I really wanted to churn this chapter out! Julie said that she is almost done with another chapter, so that is going to be posted soon. Huzzah!!

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"I don't dislike Romeo, I just don't like him!" – Kayleigh, during English.


	5. Nice Alliteration!

_IMPORTANT-ESQUE A/N AT THE BOTTOM! READ AFTER STORY, PLEASIES!_

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Dear Carlisle,

My friend has recently bought me, and ever since, they have been making strange noises. I'm really scared! What should I do?

--Dotty for James

Dear Dotty,

Hello! This is Jasper. I've recently bought (not boughtten!) Carlisle. That means I own him. That means I own all o' his stuff. That means I get to write his column. YAY! I should get my own column… I'm obviously amazing at giving advice.

Anyways, I don't believe that I've been making strange noises. I'm not quite sure what to tell you. One thing that you could do is buy them. Unless that would just make you make weird noises. But then you wouldn't notice. Another thing you could do is buy earplugs. Or rubber cement your friend's mouth! Good times…

ROSALIE WHAT THE FRICK ARE YO—

Hi Dotty. This is Rosalie. I just tied up Jazz. Carlisle will be here any second to answer your question. Bye Dotty.

Dear Dotty,

I really know what you're dealing with, for once. As you just found out, I'm owned by Jasper. He's just one silly guy, buying me. I mean, I'm his father! Who buys their father?! Besides Jasper...

As for the strange noises, I'm not sure vampires do that when they buy their friends (or fathers). But humans, on the other hand…

* * *

**Back at the Cullen residence…**

I was reading in the family room a short while ago, sitting next to Esme, who was watching _What Not to Wear_ with the girls, while Jasper and Emmett were playing some board game or another. Edward had gone to pick up his skank from the reservation. Why couldn't she just pick Jacob?! Le sigh.

Alice just zoned out, and we all turned, used to this by now, to ask what she saw.

"Can't she just go with that werewolf? No one even likes her!" Alice whined, looking around at five heads nodding in agreement. "Uh, Bella is going to say that she "owns" Edward, guys. And this is just gonna put Eddie-poo in a bad mood. Peachy."

"What are you talking about, Alice?" Rosalie asked, speaking for all of us.

"I have no idea. But Bella bought Edward. And she's SQUEAKING!"

"This should be fun…" Emmett thought aloud.

Bella, toting an ever-so-peachy Edward, burst through the door at that moment

"HEY GUYSIESZ!" squealed the skank. "GUESS WHAT!!!"

"You ow—" Alice started, but noooo, stupid skank stopped her. Nice alliteration, self.

"NOT YOU ALICE!"

"You own Edward," we all said in a monotonous drawl.

Bella's lower lip wobbled. She couldn't tell all of the excitement of buying her fiancé. Whimpering, she poked Edward, longing for his defense.

"Guys," he sighed, not wanting to upset his 'love' (pffft), "let Bella tell you. She was so happy. She was squeaking in excitement."

_Edward,_ I thought to him, _you shouldn't stay with her. You're not happy._ Okay, so I edited my thoughts a bit, but this way, the message got through to him better.

Okay… Maybe I edited a lot, but, he still got to hear everyone else's thoughts!

He looked at me fiercely, shaking his head, while grabbing Bella's waist. _No need to be sexual in the family room, Edward._ He walked away.

Bella stood there with her hands on her hips, waiting to see everyone's reaction. If I were her, I definitely would've gone with her pimp. I would **not **want to stay to see the reactions of her purchase.

"Bella, you're so dumb. The two of you are going to be married soon, and that's practically owning him anyway," Emmett reasoned.

"I'm… dumb…?" She whimpered.

"No, honey," I said, not gagging once again, "that was… sarcasm…" I do try to not hurt her feelings. Once in a while.

"Ohhhhh!" she said, as a look of realization cam across her face.

Awkward silence ensued.

"Oh, look, _Scrubs_ is on. Let's go watch." Jasper said, obviously trying to change the subject.

We did. After a while, I noticed Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie sneak out of the room, going upstairs… Plotting…

* * *

Some minutes later, Alice called down for me to come into her room.

"Yyyyellow!" I greeted.

Emmett, Rosalie, and Alice are stared at me, shaking their heads.

"No, Carlisle. Never again. Never _ever_ again," Rosalie snapped.

"Anyway…" Alice broke the awkward silence, "We need you in our plan to get Edward back from Bella."

"C'mon guys! Do we really want Edward?" Emmett proposed.

I nodded in his general direction, causing him to feel important.

"Well… yes. Because he's not all that bad, after all," Alice explained.

Emmett, Rosalie, and I stared at her, "Are you being serious?"

"JINX!"

"Shut up, Emmett."

"What were you guys planning to do?" I asked.

"Well… Emmett was going to throw a llama at Bella when she least expected it, but Rosalie said that a llama could not be acquired on such short notice. So, I suggested that we get her around to the back of the house and get Jasper to go all Babe Ruth on her cracker a—"

"So you were planning to smack It repeatedly with a baseball bat and then when she comes to, tell her that she does not own Edward any more and that she cannot squeak?" I inquired.

The three of them looked at each other.

"No—" Emmett started.

"Yes! That's exactly what we were going to do!" Alice jumped in.

"Why do I have a feeling that you guys were going to leave her for dead in the woods?" I smiled.

"Because that's what we were gonna do!" Emmett pouted.

"I would totally agree with doing that, but Edward would get really mad. And a mad Edward is an angry Edward," I reasoned. Wait… I want Bella to rot away in the woods! Damn, keep your mouth shut next time, Carlisle. Just keep it shut.

"BELLA IS A CRACKER!!" Rosalie giggled, just getting that Alice had said that earlier.

"Mmm…hmm?!" Alice tilted her head to the left.

"Let's go get Jazz to beat up Bella! C'mon!" Emmett squealed, clapping his hands.

We all ran downstairs to find Jasper, who was with Esme still watching "Scrubs". Alice went go find Bella. When Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett left to go to the yard, I replaced Jazz's seat on the couch and proceeded to watch the everyday sitcom-esque calamities of JD and the Sacred Heart Staff.

* * *

A few minutes later, I heard Bella's painful screeches from the yard. Jasper was very good at going Babe Ruth, apparently.

"Honey, I think I hear Bella screaming. We should go check on her," Esme said, concerned.

I turned the volume up on the TV to drown the cries.

"Why did you turn the volume up?" she frowned.

"Shhh… Those screams are distracting."

"_Distracting?!_ Carlisle! I'm surprised at you!"

"Ooooh! Look! Turk is a leprechaun!" I pointed at the screen.

"Oooh!" Esme squealed and turned around to see Turk dancing an Irish jig exclaiming _Top of the mizzle to ya, me nizzle!_ Le sigh. Je t'aime "Scrubs".

Around the end of the episode, Rosalie, Alice, Emmett, Jasper, and a somewhat unconscious Bella entered the house.

"Bella!" Esme shrieked. She looked at her four kids, "What have you done?"

They all pointed at Jasper, who pointed to his Louisville Slugger.

"Jasper?! I'm surprised at you. Why would you do this to Bella?" Esme put her hands on her hips.

Jasper hoisted the bat onto his shoulder, "Did you know that Babe Ruth copied Shoeless Joe Jackson's swing?"

"JASPER!" Esme yelled.

"Really?!" Emmett said in disbelief.

Jasper nodded at Emmett. He then turned to Esme, "Um… We tried to Bella that she, uh, didn't own, uh, Edward. And she wouldn't believe us and, uh, we, uh, I kind of, uh, hit her with my good ol' Slugger here. Mhm."

"Oh…kay… Just make sure that she doesn't die or anything. Don't do that anymore, please," Esme said. She could not disagree with Jasper's logic.

Alice dragged Bella up to her room and that was the end of that.

* * *

**Back to the letter…**

Yeah, Dotty, that's why buying and owning people is not the best thing. But, if you ask Jasper, he'll say it's okay 'cause he was a Confederate and stuff. John Wilkes Booth will say the same thing, so don't even bother asking him.

--

Carlisle

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A/N: Wowsies! This chapter was really long! Julie and I started working on it last week and, we couldn't think on how to end. Oh, and the name 'Dotty for James' comes from Julie's friend James Dotson, who is amazing. I kinda started the next chapter, because Rachel told me to and gave me a cool idea. Julie is still working on another chap… so… yeah. Listen to (title of show) because it's my 3rd favorite musical, just like 'Nicholas Nickleby' is my 3rd favorite movie. Mhm.

Oh and the baseball references in the chap are dedicated to March 10th, 'cause that's when softball tryouts are! Huzzah!


	6. Anastasis!

A/N: Hey guys! It's Julie (the Jasper part). Just wanted to say sorry about lack of updates; I've been really busy.

And, yanno, while I'm here in this A/N... You guys should review. It would be pretty darn cool (: We have almost 600 hits. We have 16 reviews. NOT COOL.

You can review. I BELIEVE IN YOU! (and your ability to press that little purple button!)

On to the story...

* * *

Dear Carlisle,

My best friend got Anastasis after eating a cookie. If I gave you a cookie, would you get Anastasis, too?

-- Kookies are Kewl

THERE IS A KITTY ATOP MY NOGGIN PLEASE GET IT OFF FOR IT IS A LUCKTARD AND THOSE ARE RARE SPECIES AND THEY CAN GIVE YOU AIDS LIKE ANGEL HAS BUT I LIKE ANGEL SO ITS SAD –LE SAD- ):

Dear Kookies,

Sorry about that. That was Emmett.

Anyways… I'm not completely sure what Anastasis is. I've heard of it, but it must be some new disease. I don't know what it is, or how one would get it.

Seeing as I'm a vampire, though, I don't think that I would get it. Actually, I know

THAT I AM PIKACHU!!1

That was Emmett again. Sor-

SOR SOR MOO MOO COW COW!!

EMMETT!! Dammit, he is one cuh-razy kidderoo. He's worse than The Skank sometimes. Sometimes. Very sometimes.

ANYWHO! I know that I can't get Anastasis if you gave me a cookie. I don't eat cookies. That was total craziness, asking that question!

There was that one time Emmett got food poisoning, though…

**Back at the Cullen residence…**

I was sitting in the living room, watching TV with Esme, when all the kids walked in one Friday after school. I hear whining long before they're even in the house. _Très bien! Le skank has arrived._

"EDWARDDDD!" Oh, what now?! The stupid stinky skank (I'm on a roll with my alliteration!) was back again, yelling for Edward. Quite loudly, I might add…

"What's wrong, my love?" Edward replied. _Edward, you are a ball of cheese. I don't think I've ever heard anyone cheesier than you. And trust me, I've heard a lot of people._ He glared at me from the opposite sofa. _You and your skank… Ugh._

"I ATE THE SCHOOL FOOD!" Shut up, bitch. No one likes you. Go with Mr. Wolfie. Please.

"Your point?" came from Jasper. He tried to hide his dislike. It didn't really work.

"I GOT FOOD POISONING!" A high, shrill voice. Not Bella, this time... Question mark?

"EMMETT. SHUT UP. NO ONE LIKES YOU! I'M SERIOUS. I GOT FOOD POISONING!" Okay, whatever you say, Skank.

"I think you're thinking of yourself, Little Miss Ego." I heard a whisper, too soft for human ears, come from Jasper, then a giggle from Esme, and then a smack from Alice to both of them.

"No, Bella! I'm serious! That cookie that Mike Newton gave me today… Ugh… So gross… I feel sick… I haven't felt this in years…"

"EMMETT. STOP IT. NOW. Ughhhhh I feel sick." Mrs. Skanky McSlutpants ran over to the bathroom, then I heard a sound that I got used to from working in a hospital; Skanky ran back to Mr. Manwhore McSlutpants and cuddled. _Ew_.

"Maybe you have morning sickness?" A suggestion from Rose. Mr. McSlutpants threw an evil glare at her.

"But it's the afternoon now…?" WOW. Stupid skank.

"Heh…" Rose is evil. "You get it when you're pregnant. We all know that you've been getting cozy with Wolfie." I saw Mr. McSlutpants run over and slap Rose, then go back to the missus.

"How do you know about tha—I mean… NO I HAVEN'T YOU BITCH!!!!!"_See Edward? She admits it. Seksual tensonnnn!_ Edward's face was absolutely priceless. Like he… I don't even know! Oh, wait, yes I do! Like he didn't know how much of a slut his 'fiancée' is.

"GUYS! BACK TO MY PROBLEM!" Emmett shrieked. Emmett is a little attention whore today… Learning from the best, I s'pose… "WHAT AM I GONNA DO ABOUT MY FOOD POISONING?!"

"I guess I could take you with my to work tomorrow, but I don't know how much help that'll be…" I offered.

Emmett turned to the side, over the arm of the couch, and dry heaves.

Or…? Could it possibly NOT be a DRY heave? I believe I see chewed cookie… Question mark?

"Emmett, did you really eat a cookie today?" Jasper asks in disbelief.

"Uh, YES!" He yelled. "That's how I got food poisoning!"

Back to the letter… 

So, Kookies, I won't get Anastasis from (not) eating your cookie… But Emmett will!

--Carlisle


	7. title of bella's last name

**A/N:** Just to clarify things, this is _**NOT**_ a pro-Bella chapter. Nor is it a 'love Bella and be nice to her forevsies!' chapter. Robyn hates Bella. Julie hates Bella. Jennie hates Bella. Jennifer hates Bella. People who are cool hate Bella. HATE BELLA, RAWR!!

Kay… done!

**Disclaimer:** Wait… hold on, I think I do own 'Twilight'. Wait, no I lied, I own Mercutio, sorry! I don't own (title of show), either. It is an amazing musical. When you're done reading this, you should go check it out. The name of the show is really (title of show), with the parentheses and all. 'Tis schnazzy.

This chapter is dedicated to Rachel and Aviva.

* * *

Dear Carlisle, 

My friend and I just rented and watched "Superbad", and now he wants to change his name to McLovin. I want him to not be crazy and do such a thing. What would you suggest I do?

--

Not McLovin It…

Dear McLovin (ha! I always wanted to type that… :) )

Anyway… you just gotta keep working on your friend and tell him that what he wants to do is not normal and that he should talk to his parents about seeing a psychiatrist or something. Then he should listen to (title of show), which is the 3rd best musical ever. After that, he should go watch "New Amsterdam" because Esme and Rosalie are watching it downstairs and they said that it's really good. Huzzah!

There was this one time; it was sometime around after Bella got herself rubber cemented…

**Back at the Cullen residence…**

Esme and I were jammin' out to (title of show) on our amazing stereo system, while Emmett was threatening to film it and put it on YouTube and show it at the next hospital board meeting I went to. That Emmett… he's such a saucy boy! Like Tybalt… who secretly wanted Mercutio… who, like a certain English teacher in a certain Midwest town who wears sweater vests every day and watches lizard porn on his computer while his honors students watch 3,000 different versions of _Romeo & Juliet_ (**Robyn** **a/n:** including one with seals –shudders-), thinks he secretly wants Romeo, who is also affectionately known as 'Ro-Ro'. That was a run-on sentence! Wow…

So… Esme and I were singing "Monkeys and Playbills" from (title of show) and Emmett was… yeah. Bella and Edward had burst in across the threshold, the former triumphantly holding up a large bag of Cheez-Its over her head, the latter having his iPod headphones in his ears. She was panting from running and Edward looked like he had seen happier days. Bella crossed over the couch and plopped down next to an armrest, casting the Cheez-Its beside her.

"I has Cheez-Its," she announced. Edward put a hand to his head.

"Very good, Bella!" clapped Alice, who had decided to appear out of nowhere.

"Do I even want to know?" sighed Emmett.

"Nope," said Jasper.

"You… here?" Emmett said in disbelief.

Jasper nodded.

"Do these jeans make my butt look big?" asked Rosalie, who could not find a mirror.

"No, dear. They look totally 'title of show' on you!" Esme smiled, "You're haircut looks very 'title of show', too, Carlisle."

"Uh… huh," I agreed. Esme had taken the (title of show) soundtrack too seriously. In the bonus track, Hunter, one of the characters who is actually a real person, claims that he wants 'title of show' to be a verb, noun, _and_ adjective all at the same time. That's why that musical frikkin rocks.

Bella began to open the bag of Cheez-Its and threw one Edward, who was still not in a good mood.

"What's eating him?" asked Emmett.

"Do you _really_ want to know?" replied Bella, pointing to Edward, who sullenly looked at his iPod.

Emmett crossed over to Edward and asked him if he could see what he was listening to. Edward silently held up the aforementioned mp3 player. If he could cry, he would have been doing so at this moment.

"What's he listening to?" asked Rosalie.

Emmett sighed, "The audiobook of Nicholas Nickleby."

Edward looked up at Emmett, expressionless. "Smike," he whimpered.

"Nicholas Nickleby?! He promised he wouldn't listen to that anymore!" Bella attempted to grab the iPod from her lover.

"I can't be here," Edward turned on his heels and headed upstairs towards his room. The rest of us waited to see Bella's reaction.

She stared after him, her jaw dropped. Then, she ate a Cheez-It.

Alice darted her eyes, wanting to change the subject, "Hey, Carlisle…Weren't you called Nicholas Nickleby?"

Esme was waving her hand in front of her as a signal for Alice that my Nickleby phase was a sore subject.

I glared at her, "Alice…"

"Just, y'know, clarifying… Heh… hoo boy."

"I think some of them at work are over the Nickleby thing. I was called 'Mercutio' like, three times today by one of my patients. Says I look like the guy who played him in the 'Romeo and Juliet' movie from the '60s," I retorted, letting her off the hook this once.

"LAWLERSKATES! MERCUTIO! LOVES HIM!" said Mr. McNulty, who was taking a break from watching lizard porn with Mrs Gempel, the honors biology teacher.

"What're you doing here, McNulty?" I snapped.

The honors English teacher looked at each of us hurriedly, stole a few of Bella's Cheez-Its, and scampered out the front door.

"Do I want to—" Emmett started.

"No," the rest of us responded.

Bella watched this, still munching on those damn cheesy cracker-esque things. She then promptly decided to fall off the couch.

"OW!" she screamed, holding her elbow.

"Is it bleeding, kidderoo?" I asked.

Bella blinked at being called a roo of the kidder kind, "Uh… I don't think so."

Alice let go of her restraint on Jasper, who was sad because he really wanted to kill Bella that day. We all did, though, so it was okay… I guess.

I said too much.

Anyway, McLovin, back to the regularly scheduled story:

Breaking the awkward silence, Alice snickered, "Graceful as a 'Swan', huh Bella?"

The rest of us groaned at the overused literary device. Not as overused as alliteration though –shudders-. _Romeo & Juliet_ has waaay too much of that.

So… we were all sad about literary devices, when Bella angrily stood up and stomped her way over to Alice.

"I've had it with you and your appropriately-timed-yet-not-funny literary devices! I'm changing my last name!"

"You could just marry Edward now and get your last-name ordeal over with," suggested Alice.

The rest of us glared evilly at her, especially Rosalie.

Bella though about it, "Nah… Gotta keep people in suspense, y'know."

"What if one of your Cheez-Its was named Johanna and your name was Anthony and you stole said Cheez-It, and you were all like, 'I'll steal you… Johanna…'" Emmett thought aloud, quite randomly might I add.

"Emmett…?" Rosalie cocked her head slowly to the right, "Are you saying that Bella should change her name to Anthony?"

"Nope… I accidentally said what was on my mind, is all," Emmett explained.

"I AM CHANGING MY LAST NAME TO CHEEZ-IT! Thank you very much for the inspiration, Emmett!" the skank hugged her inspiration and trotted upstairs with her bag of Its of the Cheez kind to tell Edward the astonishing news.

"So she is Bella Cheez-It now?" Jasper questioned.

"Yup," nodded Rosalie.

"That was actually kind of somewhat unexpected," Alice announced, shocked.

"What are we going to tell Charlie?!" Esme shrieked.

"He already thinks that Edward's a creeper," Emmett pointed out.

We heard a door slam from upstairs. The girls and I went to go investigate. Jasper and Emmett claimed to not be interested, so they put on (title of show) and had a jam session.

* * *

Esme softly knocked on Edward's door, "Bella, dear… are you in there?" 

The sound of Cheez-Its being devoured confirmed our suspicion.

"Are ya gonna open the door?" Alice asked sweetly.

"I don't understand why she's mad and locked herself up in Ed's room," I hissed.

"Carlisle! You're supposed to care about these things. You're frikkin compassionate!" Esme shot back.

"Oooh. Burn," Rosalie smirked.

Bella opened the door, mouth full of cheesy crackers, "Yo."

Edward's head poked out from behind the skank's, "Hi, Esme. I've decided to overcome my grief with Smike by opening up a restaurant in Santa Fe."

We could hear Emmett's cry of "make sure you don't get Anastasis in the process!" from downstairs.

Alice shrugged, "Can we come in Bella."

Bella nodded and threw a Cheez-It at me.

"What the hell, bit—Bella?" Hee hee… almost slipped!

We sat in the room, and an awkward silence began.

"So… Bella… why do you want to change your name to Cheez-It?" Esme asked, concerned.

"Uh… Everyone likes using it as a literary device, which I do not approve of."

Edward excused himself from the room. He said something about going online to get plane tickets to Santa Fe. I stood up to go with him.

"And where do you think you're going, Dr Cullen?" snapped Esme.

"Buuut… Santa Fe. And Collins. And Angel. And the akita Evita…" I whined, not wanting to help Bella in her situation. I would not care if she changed her last name to Montague. Or Capulet. Or McNulty, for that matter. Definitely would not mind if she changed it to Black. I'd actually be quite happy…

"Carlisle!" Esme yelled, "Help Bella regain her sanity."

"She lost that long ago…" giggled Rosalie.

"Le sigh…" I sighed, "Bella, listen to Esme. Keep Swan as your last name or marry Jac—"

"Ya wan' me ta marry Jay-cub?" Bella asked, mouth full of Cheez-Its… again.

Esme and Alice looked like they wanted to kill me. Rosalie was smiling. Bella looked like a diseased seal.

"Uh… no? I totally want you to marry Edward. Yeah…" I said, hoping that she would take it as the sarcasm I had intended it to be.

"Carlisle… you should go," Esme frowned. Thankfully, I ran out of the room.

"Yo, C-lizzle, would you rather be nine people's favorite things?" Emmett asked.

"Or a hundred people's ninth favorite thing?" Jasper said sneakily.

"I'd rather be nine people's favorite thing, than a hundred people's ninth favorite thing. Jeff, Hunter, Susan, and Heidi think so, too," I answered.

"I am eight years old in Ohio. It is time for the annual church bazaar. There is a cake baking contest. I am going to be the big star…" Jasper started singing.

"But I don't want to bake a German chocolate, or a seven-layer I'll never complete. So I show up at the church next morning, with a tray of Rice Krispie Treats…" Emmett attempted to finish.

"Were Rice Krispie Treats invented yet?" Edward asks from the computer.

Jasper and Emmett look at each other quickly, "Uh… yes?"

Alice and Rosalie stood at the top of the stairs.

"It's okay, guys, we finally convinced Bella to keep her last name Swan." Alice exclaimed happily.

"You and Esme convinced," Rosalie said dryly. She was then shushed by Alice.

"CAN I PLEASE SAY THE FRIKKIN LINE?!" Jasper shouted. He was the most obsessed with (title of show) than all of us put together.

Everyone nodded.

"Let our show be the RICE KRISPIE TREATS!"

Esme and Bella poked their heads out from the staircase railing. Bella wasn't cool enough to listen to (title of show), nor will she ever have that privilege.

**Back to the letter…**

So, McLovin, all it takes is time and an amazing musical to get your friend to not change his name. Thanks for reading, and don't forget to check out (title of show)!


	8. Nightmare Before Walletia

A/N: HI!! Julie and I went to Florida together and we just got back. We wrote a TON of Auntie Carlisles and made a new fic called "Ask Auntie Roger", which is a RENT version of this. Yay! Updates abound! :)

* * *

Why, hello there, Carlisle,

I have this "friend", Debbie. She is a salesperson at WalMart. She works in the wallet and handbag department. I haven't seen her in a while, ever since she went to her wallet place for the last time. She disappeared, probably like a Lion, Witch, plus Wardrobe thinger. What should I do?

-- Matt of the Handbags

Hello Matt,

Before I try to help you, let me try to get this straight...

You, Matt, work in the handbag department. Your "friend", Debbie, works in the wallet department You haven't seen Debbie o' the wallets since she went to work last time. You think Debbie went into a wallet-Narnia, let's call it… Walletia. What should you do?

There was this one time..

BACK AT THE CULLEN RESIDENCE

"Aww, Jasp, this is, like, your theme song!" I said as I looked at the song he was listening to, "Dear Maria, Count Me In" by All Time Low. I let out a small laugh that I would not allow to be called a "giggle."

"You giggled," Jasper said while doing so himself, "But, yeah…sure."

"Where's Bella?" Emmett asked, running down the stairs.

Jasper and I looked at each other.

"Why do you care?" Jasper inquired.

"I have the best idea for a prank!"

"Ooh, fun!" I said, "But where is he?"

"She's with…" I heard Eddie call down, "the wolf…" I could picture him shudder as he said this.

"In Werewolftown? That's no good…" Emmett trailed off, "Okay, Jasp, Carlisle, and Alice," he started, turning to us, "I need you three to go get her, ASAP!" He then went up to his room, _scheming…_

"I wanna do it!" Alice screamed. She would.

"Emmett said we should work together," Jasper reasoned, and calmed her down a bit.

"We'll kidnap the Bella Swan!" I started to uncharacteristically sing.

"And put her in a box!" Alice continued, in a somewhat Indian (as in India) voice, Jasper looked at us as if we were crazy.

He shrugged. "Put her in a box," He echoed, also Indian sounding. Then I echoed, and we went around in turn for a while.

A LITTLE LATER

"Okay, I'm just gonna call Billy!" Rosalie, annoyed at our "Put her in a box!"s, finally screamed.

"O-kay…" the threee of us sighed. Then we did something a little weird and ran over to Rose, grabbed her, and then went to Emmett, leaving Rosalie with him,

The three of us snatched a box, ran over to Werewolftown (aka La Push) and put Bella in our box. We gave the Bella-in-a-box to Emmett. He then pulled his prank, which is a story for another time.

BACK TO THE LETTER…

Anywho, Matt of the Handbags, gather up a few friends, grab a (really, _really_ big) box, and head over to Walletia to get back your "friend", Debbie of the Wallets. All should be good.

-- Carlisle


	9. Would You Axe Murder Jasper?

Dear Auntie Carlisle,

Dear Auntie Carlisle,

So, I was watching "What Would You Do?" last on ABC. I started thinking, "Hey! I wonder what Jasper and Carlisle would do!" So, what would you two do?

--Wondering What…

Dear Wondering,

Um… Kay. I'm not sure what "do" you want us to do, but… wow. I really don't know how to answer this. Hold on, Jasper says that Esme (not Eesmi) wants me downstairs.

Hey Wondering,

Jasper here. Carlisle just got a new laptop. It has PhotoBooth! Me and Alice and Rosalie spent, like, all night on it. He doesn't know it yet (:. Anyway, I just read your questiong. It just so happens that the girls (not Skanky, she doesn't count) and I wer watching "What Would You Do?" last night, too…

BACK AT THE CULLEN RESIDENCE

"Lawl! That's gonna be Bella's wedding dress!" Rosalie laughed.

"Ah… For true!" I agreed.

"Guys, stop. Why don't you like Bella?" Alice asked pointedly.

"Yeah," Esme said to reinforce Alice's question.

Rosalie and I stared at them blankly, leaving it up for interpretation.

Then, Alice—

JASPER WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? MY ADVICE COLUMN! GET YOUR OWN!

-Geez! Sorry, Carlisle.

-le sigh- Sorry, Wondering. Jasper likes using my laptop. Gimme a second to see what he wrote… more anti-Bella, yum. I can tell you that if Jasper uses my laptop without my permission again, I'll axe-murder him. Maybe…

IN CARLISLE'S MIND…

"I didn't touch your laptop, I swear!" Jasper cried.

"Uh huh, yeah. Sure… Then why are there all these pictures of you and Alice and Rose?" I snapped.

"IT WAS ALICE'S IDEA, HONEST!" Jasper attempted.

I raised the axe above my head bringing it down unto the blond Confederate before me.

"Carlisle!" Esme shouted.

END OF DAY DREAM

"Carlisle!" Esme shouted.

"Huh?" I said quickly.

"'Scrubs' is on."  
Sorry, gotta go. But, if you want to know what I would do, I'll call ABC and ask them to make a movie or TV show about me. Actually, Alice did say something about a movie the other day…

--Carlisle


	10. Iron Men Like Angry Clouds

Dear Carlisle,

Are you an Iron Man? And how do you feel about angry clouds at the pool?  
--Girl wearing shirt who cannot spokle

Dear …Girl? Sure…

Uh, CHYEAH I'M AN IRON MAN! Do you really have to ask this? I'm a super-duper strong, supa-secksay, blood-resistant vampire doctor! Did you hear about the time Laverne wanted me to sign up for the Iron Man contest? Then she tried to rape me… Bella…

BACK AT THE FORKS HOSPITAL

I was walking away from John, one of my patients, while looking at his files. 'kay, not really. I was trying to think of a way to make Eddykins not marry and/or vampify Skanky.

"Dr Cullen?" I heard a voice behind me. I turned to see one of the nurses.

"Please, Laverne, call me Carlisle," I said and flashed her a smile.

"Oh… Okay…" she stopped walking for a minute or so.

"Laverne, are you okay?" I asked grabbing her arm for support. Stupid dazzled human, "And I believe you were about to say something…?"

"Ah, yes… Carlisle…" was she actually licking her lips? Creep. "What I was going to say was you crushed your clipboard."

I looked down at my hands to find that the plastic clipboard was indeed broken. "Woops… Just, uh, frustrated, I guess…"

Her arm started to climb up mine. WHAT THE FRICK?! "Maybe I could help… ease your frustration… Carlisle… Your muscles are so, so… _strong_," she breathed.

"Uh, Laverne? Question mark?"

"Maybe you should sign up for the Forks Iron Man Contest," she said, now massaging my back.

"No, thanks," we were almost to my office…

"Carlisle… Still frustrated?" she asked. What kind of person is this!? "I know I am…"

Then she winked at me.

She WINKED at me! TOO MUCH!

"Uh, Laverne," I started, looking at her. Her old, wrinkly face. Her puffed up, red hair with grey roots. Her grandma glasses. Her scrubs that looked like some very old retired Vera Bradley pattern that only Alice would know the name of. "You're old. I'm not." I said, stifling a giggle. Pfft, I'm a hella lot older than she was, "Plus, I'm happily married."

"Forget Eesmi! There's ME!" she squealed.

That was IT!

I pushed her away, then ran into my office.

I, Carlisle Cullen, 400-year-old vampire, was almost raped by a 70-some-year-old nurse in Forks, Washington.

There was something wrong with that.

And she was practically clawing at my door. Time to call security!

BACK TO THE LETTER

Well, Girl, I'm an Iron Man anyway. Oh. I love angry clouds. Always! Angry clouds equal baseball time!

-- Carlisle


	11. Sparkling Marimbas

Dear Carlisle,

Dear Carlisle,

Do you like RENT?! Does Jasper? Will you two go see it with us this summer on B-way? 'Cause it got extended! Yay!

--Jarlisle loves RENT… Right?

Dear Jarlisle (hehe… aww! )

Nice name! –laugh a walrus laugh- OF COURSE I LOOOVE RENT!! Except Movie-Mimi. She and Bella would most def be besties, in truth. Anyway, Jazz and I were planning to see it this summer! Yay for extensions!! (: Eddykins thinks that they stole his idea of opening a restaurant in Santa Fe. –le sigh- what a Big Silly…

BACK AT TEH RESIDENCE O' McCULLEN

McCullen? Nice job, Jazz.

Thanks!

"Edward, don't go! There's sooo much to care about. There's ME!... and, um, there's… meh babiiz that you let me have," Bella pleaded.

"Do you got baggage?" Rose asked Bella.

"Um… I made Alice buy me some suitcases in Riviera Blue Today!" Bella grinned, showing Rose the receipt from the Vera Bradley purchases.

"That is the most ugly pattern ever!" I snapped, setting down my RENT libretto and putting on my RENT zippy-fleece.

"Are you serious?!" Edward question-marked.

"Yup."

"I don't like RENT. They stole my Santa Fe restaurant idea," Eddykins frowned.

"Edward—y'know what? No. No. I'm not going to into it," I tried.

Awkward silence.

Jasper slid down the staircase banister, wearing his new RENT baseball hat, "Today 4 U! Tomorrow 4 me!" He then produced a marimba out of nowhere and played the notes following, "doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo!"

We all stared at him. Even Skanky shut up for once.

"That was not a sight you see everyday…" Alice sighed from the top of the stairs.

"Sometimes I think Jasper should've been in the asylum instead of Alice…" Emmett laughed.

Alice glared at him.

"Was that appropriate or even necessary?!" Jasper growled.

"Guys… c'mon, be nice," I attempted to keep da peas.

Edward set his plane ticket for Santa Fe on the table, "You take it, Carlisle. I can't have people… BEHODING MEH SPOKLES… all the time."

"No, kid, it's yours," I pushed the ticket back to him.

"Oooh Ehwould Cuhwen! Yoor so mysterious an' bootiful!" Bella squealed. Edward looked at me for help.

"Jasper, did you modify Skan—Bella again?" I asked seriously.

"No, honest. I didn't. Really. For true," he said.

We all stared at Bella, who gave Edward the diseased seal look again.

BACK TO THE LETER

So… Jarlisle… (hee) Jazz and I would love to see RENT with you! I'll call you soon, lawl.

--Carlisle


	12. The Doctor Formerly Known As Atticus

**A/N:** Yo, s'Robyn. I are bored. I are dedicating this to my new book that I bought Saturday called The Secret Lives of the Civil War. Did you know Jefferson Davis bought camels for his troops in the southwest? Dude. Jasper had a camel. –swoons-

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Twilight. Or Anne Fried Rice's creeper books. Or the Lestat musical, despite its amazingness and lack of cast album. Or (title of show). Or To Kill a Mockingbird. (Scout is Bella, by the way.)

* * *

Dear Carlisle,

Did you ever play sports in high school? Did they invent high school yet when you were that age, even?

--  
Can't think of a name so… COOKIES!

Kay… Cookies…

No, we really didn't have high schools. But sometimes I did what the kids in colonial America used to do and push around a hula hoop with a stick. Ah, the good ol' days. Oh, and played on the hospital's fast-pitch softball team a few years ago. But then more nurses started to hit on me and some guy came up with the idea that I was so good because I was on steroids. That is not so. I'm just better than him. Hmph.

* * *

**Soutenir à la residence des Cullen…**

Edward, having had his flight delayed for Santa Fe for 12 hours, and I were on YouTube looking up cool kid videos. Rosalie had told us of this funny thing called "Lestat: The Musical", so me and Eddy were lookin' it up.

"Lawl, Anne Fried Rice is so screwed up," I sighed, remembering the first time I saw 'Interview with the Vampire'.

"Dat's for true!" chimed Edward.

We scanned the screen like two teenage girls desperately searching for pictures of Keds with penguins on them. Not like I've ever done that…

All of a sudden, we heard the door downstairs swing open and Jasper triumphantly parading into Chez Cullen. Edward and I zoomed to greet him.

Alice gasped in horror, "_You're on the baseball team_?!"

Jasper nodded, wiping the dirt off his knee-high baseball socks and stomping his black Under Armour cleat-clad feet on the mat. He was all smiles. "Yuh huh! Varsity, baybay!" He let out a wolf whistle.

"But don't you spahkle…?" Julie (aka Jasper, but not really?) asked.

"Not if I wear a sweatshirt!" Jasper showed off his new blue hoodie with FORKS VARSITY BASEBALL 2008 emblazoned on it. It said HALE on the back.

"How come no one made a big deal when I played football?" Emmett pouted, "And did marching band at the same time…"

We were all silent.

"You played football?" Esme inquired.

"What did you play in the band?" Rosalie asked.

"GAH! No one loves me! Oh, and I played piccolo. 'Cause I'm a manly man! Dat true," Emmett pounded up the stairs and turned up 'Second Suite in F' on his iPod speakers really loud, "F! E NATURAL! B FLAT!" Apparently shouting flute notes is his thing now.

"Did you guys win today?" I asked.

"Mhm! 'Cause of me, of course. And Mike Newton. But mostly me. 'Cause I'm me," Jasper explained.

"Remember when I took dance and everyone got jealous?" Alice giggled.

"You mean when you and Bella were watching 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show' and Rose got mad at you for doing the time warp too many times and Bella said you were good at dancing?" Esme smirked.

"Maybe…" Alice glanced downward and smushed her big toe into the carpet.

"That's a touchy subject," Rosalie said sternly. Emmett came downstairs at the words 'touchy subject'.

Bella randomly burst through the door, "Meow meow meow meow!"

Jacob poked his head in, "Woof woof!"

Bella accidentally laughed, "Meow meow meow meow meow meow…"

Jacob smiled again, "Woof woof!

Bella finished, "Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow TITLE OF SHOW! meow meow meow—

Jacob and Bella sang in unison, "TITLE OF SHOW!"

Jasper's mouth dropped, as did Emmett's. I did a double-take.

"What hell?!" Edward exclaimed, about to run towards Jacob.

"Leave 'im alone, Boo Cullen! He's just trying out for the school musical with me," Bella rationalized.

"Bella, darling Bella. Sweet Bella. Lovely Bella. … Dumb Bella! In case you forgot, _he doesn't go to our school_!" Edward snapped.

"So? When the all-girls school in Seattle did 'Damn Yankees' for their spring musical and Lola was played by a guy who obviously didn't go to that school."

"That's different."

"Nuh-uh!"

Emmett came back to realization and pointed at Bella, "Did you just call Edward 'Boo Cullen'?"

"Mhm. He's acting like a Boo Radley."

"Does that make Carlisle Atticus?" Jacob asked innocently.

"Yes, dear," Bella grinned.

"WHY MUST I HAVE A NAME?!" I shouted at the ceiling.

"So you can be called by people," Jasper said matter-of-factly.

"Don't even," I muttered.

"So can I call you Atticus Mercutio Nickleby?" Alice snickered.

"NO! You can call me Carlisle. Or Dad. Or Father Dearest. Or Dr Cullen. And you can stop watching Rocky Horror for a change," I barked at Alice.

"Mmkay," She nodded.

I went to go sit on the couch. I could hear the awkward silence behind me.

"So… We won a baseball game today!" Jasper grinned.

"Cool."

"I had a Hot Pocket for lunch," Jacob said.

"_Eeeewww!_" Bella screeched, "How can you handle that crap?!"

"Do you know who you're talking to?" Jacob said flatly.

"Oh, yeah. Right…"

"Hi, Jacob," said Rosalie.

"Hey."

"Do you like Hot Pockets?" she asked.

"Yup. I like Jim Gaffigan, too. No matter how many times he disses them."

"Ah! I love Jim Gaffigan! He's teh amazing!" Esme clapped her hands and swooned.

"I know. Is Atticus still mad?" that was really stupid of Jacob to say.

I turned around on the couch to face him, "Yes. Atticus is mad. Go mock a killingbird."

"Sorry, yo. Thanks for not trying to kill me!" Jacob announced.

"HEY! JACOB'S HERE!" Emmett pointed and shrieked at the aforementioned werewolf.

"Oh, shizzle, I be outta here!" Jacob hugged Bella good-bye and sprinted away.

"That was interesting…" Esme said.

Bella decided to make cupcakes with Edward and Jasper went to go philosophize with his John Locke and Voltaire dolls.

(You don't want to know. Really.)

Esme decided to help Edward and Bella with the cupcake making. Rosalie and Emmett went to the drive-in to go watch Rocky Horror, as it was the first Monday of the month and they always did that. Alice went with them, but they didn't know it yet.

And I was left alone to pout like an Atticus on the couch.

So I went upstairs with Jasper.

"Can I come in, Jazz?" I knocked on his door.

"_That Montesquieu! He's crazy. That type of government will never work, don't worry, Voltaire. And Thomas Hobbes will be disposed of, Johnny, don't you fret now…_"

"Jasper?" I squeaked.

He was about to say something else to his dolls, but then I think he finally heard me. "Oh, hi. You can come in, Carlisle."

"Never mind…" I managed.

I wonder what kind of cupcakes they're making…

* * *

**Back to the letter…**

So… Cookies, was it? Yeah. I just checked.

I don't know if that answers your question… but don't call me Atticus or I'll axe-murder you. See chapter 9 if you don't believe me.

Yeah. I gotta go watch 'Godspell', because Victor Garber and David Haskell are amazing.

Yours,

Carlisle Nicholas Mercutio Atticus Nickleby Finch-Cullen… Caulfield?


	13. A Note of the Author Kind

A/N:

Hey, guys! Robyn here.

Just wanted to let y'all know that I'm starting to write a seperte Auntie Carlisle story called:

ASK AUNTIE CARLISLE: LONDON EXTRAVAGANZA!

on my other pen-name, Robyn-Enjolras.

so, yeah, go check it out. it's pretty tight, y'all.

Y'ALL! :)

...

yay!

--  
Robyn (Carlisle)

PS: I bought the Eclipse sepcial edition today and it is pretty much amazing. yeah. go get it. now  
"big river" is pretty cool, too. it's my new favorite musical!


	14. Gingers Have No Souls

A/N: Hey guys, it's Robyn/Carlisle!  
Soooo… Julie and I recently came back from 4 weeks of camp/Solel 2008 (less-than-sign three) and this chapter randomly out of the abyss appeared in my head just now!

Yay.

This chapter is dedicated to those lovely Gingers: Seth K. and Ben Z.

And Jeremy K. and Tivon S. (who are not Gingers, but are cool anyway!)

And, hell with it, the rest of… SOLEL 2008!!

Dale hit a turkey! :)

* * *

Dear Carlisle,

Do you really have a soul? You can tell me the honest truth, I won't let Edward know. Promise!

--

JerBear and TivTivs

Dear JerBear and… TivTivs…

Yes, I do have one. And d-word (DURANGO!) proud of it! And Esme has one! And Rosalie! And Emmett! And Alice! And…Jasper… And—

No. Wait.

Edward does not have one. Because he is a Ginger.

Gingers do not have souls.

Dur!

…

* * *

**DOdoDOdoDOdoDOdoDOdoDOdoDOdoDOdoDOdoDOdoDOdoDOdoDOdooooo**

**Le Grande Maison Cullen…**

Jazzle-Dazzle was making Eddie sit through his own mini-marathon of favorite movies. Now, they were on "Rent". And I had decided to watch it again for the million billionth time…

"Hey, guys," I greeted, plopping down on the couch next to Jasper after a long, hard day at work.

"Tiiiime fliiiiees, time… DIIIIIIIES! GLORRRRYY-YY-YY! ONE BLAZE OF GL—" belted Jazz.

Edward was in front of the couch rocking back and forth on the floor in a fetal position. I put a restraining grip on his shoulder.

"Is this only the first movie?" I asked innocently.

Edward nodded.

"So he _hasn't_ shown you 'Gods and Generals' yet?"

"VHAT?!" screeched Eddykins McChickenSandwich, who was pulling off his sweatshirt over his head, "I couldn't hear you. My shirt vas ovah my ears!"

"'Gods and Generals," I repeated. Jasper grinned evily.

"NOOO! THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT YOU SAID!" Edward cried.

The sound of Edward being miserable and Jasper singing 'One Song Glory' caused Rosalie and Alice, respectively, to sprint down the stairs.

"Edward's not happykins?" smiled Rose.

"It's almost 'Tango: Maureen'!" smiled Alice.

And then, a few minutes, later, "Tango Maureen" did, indeed, come on. Alice waltzed over to my side and forced me to stand. She put my hand on her waist and she put her hand on my shoulder. Like she was going to—

Tango.

As she danced me about the room, I had noticed she was quite good at tangoing, I mean, besides the fact that she was a vampire and all…

"Where'd _you_ learn to tango?" I asked seriously.

"With the French Ambassador's daughter in her dorm room at Miss Porter's. And you?"

"Uh… Wha? Question mark?"

Jasper looked at me and said, "Shame on you!" He then pushed me out of Alice's grip and tangoed with her:

"With Nanette Himmelfarb, the rabbi's daughter, at the Scarsdale Jewish Community Center," Jasper grinned.

"Ohhh!" I felt stupid. And you call yourself a 'Rent' fan, Carlisle, honestly…

So… what were you talking about? Oh yeah, Edward's lack-of-soul. That's right.

Edward was still on the floor in front of the couch in a fetal position. He was humming some Debussy tune that no one knew of nor cared about.

"I hate 'Rent'," Edward whimpered.

"You! You dirty, DIRTY COMMUNIST!" Jasper growled.

"Dirty commie!" Alice chimed.

"Hee hee… commie!" I giggled.

Rosalie looked at the three of us, frowning, "Guys, that's not how you treat someone who is crying on the floor!"

She then walked over and told him she had to tell him something.

"What is it, Rose?" he asked.

She cleared her throat, put her mouth to his ear and shouted: "FIVE HUNDRED, TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND, SIX HUNDRED MINUTES—"

"Nooooo!" Edward moaned.

"Wow, he really hates it!" Rosalie gasped.

"Commie…" Jasper muttered.

"He has no soul," I nodded as I finally came to the conclusion.

"But, I thought—you said—we all have s—" Edward stammered.

"Yeah. All of us. Except you."

"Why? Is it because I don't like 'Rent'?" he questioned.

"NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN!" Jasper attempted to leap at Edward, but was stopped by Rose and Alice. Damn.

"Yeah, Edward, that was seriously **not cool**—" I started.

"You got that right," Jasper pouted and crossed his arms across his torso.

"_Anyway…_ I was going to say that Edward has no soul simply because he is a Ginger."

"A wha—?" gasped Rosalie.

"A Ginger," I repeated.

"What the hellz 'zat?" Rose inquired.

"A Ginger is a person who has red-slash-orange hair. They have no souls," I responded matter-of-factly.

"So only Ginger vampires have no souls, right?" asked Alice.

"Er… no. Edward never had a soul, even when he was human. This is because no Ginger, human or not, does not, and will never have, a soul. Ever," I explained.

"Ohhhh…" Rose and Alice agreed in unison.

"So you're saying I-I-I n-n-never h-h-had—" Eddie stammered.

"Yep. Ya never had one and you never will."

"Nooo!" Edward curled back up into a ball and Jasper un-paused the "Rent" DVD. Rose and I danced around the house singing "La Vie Boheme" and Alice was scared.

Very scared.

**Back to da letter, yo.**

So, Jer and Tiv, there you have it. Everyone has a soul except Gingers. And Edward. Now, you youngins better get back to the Solel village before Rachel kills you! Those silly people at Camp Wise, always killin' dem campers. Mhm. Only place where you can find 4th graders in "Twelfth Night", that's for true. By the way, the person who was Sir Andrew was fantastic! What was her name again? Robyn, was it? I think it was. Yeah…

--

Carlisle

* * *

**A/N: **Yay, so there's the new chappie! Sorry if you're a Ginger, the truth is you really don't have a soul. I'm sorry, no offense.

And my camp (wise) did do "Twelfth Night" by Shakespeare for the play this year. Not the smartest idea in the crayon box… But our director was in Harry Potter 3! …as an extra! And I was Sir Andrew, which was quite fun. And Julie/Jasper was Attendant/Assistant Director/Let's Go To Drama Chug Because It's Funsies! Person! Mhm. Yay.

Oh, and about all the 'Rent' references, I'm kinda been listening to it right now. And for the past few days. Because of it's 1337 pwnage. Yeah.


End file.
